Unlocking Success: How to Overcome the TOP Barrier for Women in Military Life
I had planned a different topic for this week, but the issue we're diving into today has surfaced repeatedly with my coaching clients. Just the other morning, I had a conversation with one of my clients which made it clear that we need to address this now. It's so relevant to our community, and I couldn't wait any longer to bring it to you. So, here we are, talking about something crucial…shame.
Shame is the number one barrier I see preventing women in military life from achieving their goals and thriving.
It's a pervasive feeling, touching nearly everyone at some point. But for military spouses and women in military life, shame manifests in unique and challenging ways. We face constant comparisons—not just the usual social media comparisons, but also the pressures of military life. We're often held to impossible standards, juggling roles and expectations that can leave us feeling inadequate.
These comparisons extend to every aspect of our lives: education, career growth, financial independence, parenting, relationships, and personal milestones. And the transient nature of military life exacerbates these feelings, leading to isolation and loneliness, which can intensify our shame.
In this post, we will explore shame in depth.
We’ll look at what shame is, how it shows up in our lives, how it leads to self-sabotage, and, most importantly, how we can overcome it.
This journey might be tough, but I promise, if you stick with me, on the other side you'll find the empowerment to take back control of your life. Let’s dive in and unlock the success waiting for you!
Understanding Shame
About a month ago, I was listening to a podcast featuring Tiffany Aliche, also known as the “Budgetnista”. She said something that struck me deeply: "Shame shields solutions." This phrase resonated with me because it encapsulates the essence of why shame is so damaging. Although Tiffany was discussing money, the idea applies universally. Shame makes it difficult to address our problems openly, whether they're related to finances, relationships, careers, or personal goals.
Consider these scenarios: You might feel ashamed to talk to your partner about a problematic aspect of your relationship, so it remains unresolved. Or perhaps your lengthy resume from frequent relocations makes you feel unworthy of career success, discouraging you from even trying. Maybe you've attempted a popular diet or intense exercise program, but life intervened, and now you believe that getting in shape is not for you. Or you're consistent with your fitness routine and healthy eating, yet you're not seeing the expected results quickly enough, leading you to doubt your efforts and give up.
These examples show how shame can prevent us from finding solutions. It is the underlying threat that blocks our path to overcoming obstacles and achieving our goals. Understanding this is crucial to unlocking your potential and finding success.
Recognizing Shame
Understanding shame is crucial to overcoming it. Shame is a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness or inadequacy, rooted in internalized beliefs about our shortcomings or failures. It’s important to differentiate shame from guilt. Guilt arises from specific actions—feeling bad for something we did or didn’t do. In contrast, shame attacks our self-identity, making us feel as though we are inherently bad or unworthy.
In military life, shame can manifest in various ways. We might compare ourselves to peers and feel inferior, struggle to meet expectations within the military or when compared to our friends from high school or college, or feel like outsiders in the military culture. Factors like race, gender, or rank can exacerbate these feelings, leading to isolation and impostor syndrome. This sense of shame can erode our self-esteem, confidence, and motivation, often resulting in avoidance behaviors, fear of failure, and reluctance to take risks.
We might develop perfectionistic tendencies, waiting for the perfect moment to act, which never arrives. Unless we address the root cause—shame—it will continue to block us from finding solutions and achieving the thriving life we deserve. Addressing shame is the first step towards unlocking our potential and overcoming the obstacles in our path.
How Shame Can Derail Us
What happens if we ignore the underlying shame? Often, it leads to self-sabotage, which can severely undermine our progress and well-being. Self-sabotage manifests in behaviors like procrastination, impostor syndrome, and avoidance of challenges. Procrastination involves delaying tasks due to fear of failure or perfectionism. Impostor syndrome is feeling unworthy of success, attributing achievements to luck rather than our hard work. Avoidance of challenges means shying away from growth opportunities due to fear of rejection or criticism.
The causes of self-sabotage include fear of failure, low self-esteem, and maladaptive coping mechanisms like substance abuse or overeating. Fear of failure stems from anxiety about not meeting expectations or disappointing others, leading us to avoid risks. Low self-esteem involves feelings of unworthiness that undermine our confidence and initiative. Recognizing these patterns is crucial to preventing self-sabotage. Reflecting on past experiences can help identify common triggers and behaviors.
It's essential to approach this reflection with self-compassion. We coped with challenges in ways that felt safe at the time. Now, wanting something different means doing something different. We have the power to choose new actions and break the cycle of self-sabotage. This realization is empowering and motivating, reminding us that we can actively change our paths.
Overcoming Shame
Once we've recognized our patterns of self-sabotage, the next step is figuring out how to overcome them. A powerful way to start is by reframing our negative self-talk. When you notice self-criticism creeping in, pause and offer yourself kindness and understanding. Remind yourself that as a woman in military life, you face challenges that most women will never encounter. Everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks, but your worth is not determined by your achievements or failures.
Practicing self-compassion helps counteract feelings of shame and inadequacy. Imagine what you would tell a good friend in a similar situation. You'd likely offer empathy and positive affirmations, reminding them of their worth and capabilities. Start telling yourself the same things. When negative thoughts arise, check if there’s any real evidence supporting them. Often, these beliefs are based on assumptions or distortions of reality. Challenge these thoughts by considering alternative perspectives and reframing them in a more balanced and realistic way. Replace "I'm not good enough" with "I am capable and deserving of success."
Incorporating a daily gratitude practice can also transform your mindset. Initially, it might feel difficult or "woo-woo," but scientific evidence supports the benefits of gratitude. By consistently focusing on what you’re grateful for, you can rewire your brain towards a more positive outlook. For me, sharing daily gratitudes with my spouse, even through texts or emails, was transformative. It helped shift my perspective and build a positive mindset.
Seeking support and connection is another crucial step. Whether from a trusted friend, mentor, or mental health professional, support from empathetic and validating sources is invaluable. Therapy, for instance, has been instrumental in my journey to overcome self-sabotage. Resources like Military OneSource can help connect you with therapists, and Brené Brown’s books and TED Talks offer excellent insights into overcoming shame.
The key takeaway is to practice vulnerability, reframe negative self-talk, and seek support. These steps will help you cultivate self-acceptance and resilience, leading to massive positive changes in your life. This approach will empower you to stop holding yourself back and achieve the healthy, happy, thriving life you deserve.
Cultivating Empowerment
Shame has been a significant barrier, shielding me from the solutions needed to achieve my full potential. It's led to feelings of unworthiness and traps of comparison, analysis paralysis, and waiting for the perfect circumstances. But along with beginning the journey to unpacking shame, I want to offer actionable steps that feel less overwhelming and can be implemented immediately.
The first step is to set achievable, realistic goals aligned with my values. Just like in a video game, where I start at level one and build skills gradually, breaking down larger goals into manageable steps enhances motivation and progress. Celebrating every win, no matter how small, reinforces positivity and progress, replacing negative reinforcement with positive affirmations. The power of the high-five, both in the physical touch and the sound, elicits positive feelings that motivate further action. By giving myself a high-five or a pat on the back for completing tasks that move me closer to my goals, I reinforce positive behaviors and increase motivation.
Secondly, embracing setbacks as learning opportunities is essential. Rather than viewing failures as sources of shame and defeat, I can shift my perspective to see them as chances for growth and resilience. Drawing on the resilience inherent in military service, I can bounce back stronger from adversity, reframing the narrative to tell a more positive and empowering story.
Lastly, cultivating a positive mindset through self-affirmations is powerful. By embracing a growth mindset and viewing challenges as opportunities for learning and personal development, I can reinforce positive self-image and overcome self-doubt. By setting achievable goals, reframing setbacks, and fostering a positive mindset, I tap into my own power to overcome shame and any obstacles hindering my full potential.
Let me share a personal story that exemplifies the impact of shame and how I turned it into an opportunity for growth…
As a preteen, I developed a love for food, especially indulging in treats like drumstick ice cream cones. However, as my body underwent changes and I gained weight, I began comparing myself to classmates and feeling inadequate. This shame led to secretive overeating, particularly of junk foods, as I grappled with feelings of unworthiness and insecurity.
One day, while sneaking an extra drumstick in the garage, I was caught by my dad. The embarrassment was overwhelming, but it became a pivotal moment. Instead of shaming me, my dad approached the situation with empathy, sharing his own struggles with eating and weight. He offered to support me in making healthier choices. This vulnerability and support were transformative. With someone to share the burden of shame, I felt empowered to seek solutions.
Engaging in sports further boosted my confidence and body image, shifting my focus from shame to self-improvement. It's important to note that the goal wasn't solely weight loss; rather, it was about fostering a healthy relationship with food and embracing physical activity. Through this journey, I learned the power of reframing my story. What once caused shame became a source of pride, symbolized by my husband greeting me with a drumstick at the finish line of my first marathon.
Sharing this vulnerable moment isn't about glorifying weight loss or conformity to societal standards. Instead, it's about embracing resilience, seeking support, and reframing challenges as opportunities for growth. By confronting shame head-on, I've cultivated confidence, pursued opportunities, and found fulfillment beyond what I once thought possible. My hope is that by sharing my story, others can find strength in vulnerability and embark on their own journey toward self-acceptance and empowerment.
So I hope that me sharing a little bit of vulnerability and a little bit of my my most shameful one of my most shameful moments in life that it helps you.
And I hope that you can start to see maybe a glimpse of what could change in your life. If you're ready to peel back the layers of this daunting thing called shame. So give yourself a little pat on the back. This is a win today and a big thank you for being willing to go there with me. You should be very proud of yourself.
